Mental health and me.

Mental health and me.

As someone who is a long time sufferer of mental health issues I have a lot to say on the matter, i've experienced it first hand for the last 10 years. The biggest thing i found with being affected by mental health was how alone i felt, as if I was the only person to have ever felt like this. After years of research and struggling to come to terms with my condition I know that this is not the case. One in four of the population will be affected by mental health issues at one point in there lives. That's a quarter but what do we really know about it and why are we so skeptical? 

The early years

At about eleven years old i remember my first experience of a visual disturbance, things at home were strained but not all together too bad. I was sat there in my room just playing the play-station  and the next thing i know i just remember feeling suffocated. It was like someone had just come and thrown a big rock on my chest and i was trapped. I panicked even knowing this cant be real there's nothing on me trapping me, my breathing became labored and fast. I sat looking at the ceiling and could plainly see these rocks falling on me, like a landslide trapping me more and more. I couldn't breath, i was so scared, i could see this landslide fall on me but the rocks were translucent, they were there and heavy, but i could see a little through them. Making the panic only worse, i felt crazy, but it felt so real. I screamed for my mum and she came and told me nothing was wrong. I knew there couldn't logically be a landslide on me in my room but i was sure i saw it and i KNEW i felt it. I just couldn't understand why this would happen or what it was. Is only being older that i can now understand that this was a visual disturbance but the memory is so vivid that i will never forget and i will never forget that feeling of dismay in being the only one to see it. The mind is such a powerful thing and understanding it and the way that we think is vital. 

Teen years

      My first year of secondary school was intimidating as it is for all children but the pressure for me felt immense. Criticism i revived by teachers felt crippling and any mean comments from people cut like a knife. I had experienced bullying before and came through it, you know they say sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me? For me it seems words do break me, i felt so fragile so out of control  I had no power over my life and was struggling just to keep going .That's when i started to self harm. It started as strangling myself with headphones, just to punish myself because i hated myself. Words simply aren't enough to describe the feelings of pure loathing i felt towards myself, i was a waist of space, a disgusting mess. I deserved to feel like this because i was useless. The self harm then escalated to cutting my arms, lots of people say to me they cant imagine doing that to themselves, that it was disgusting but i was disgusting and i needed to punish myself like this just to be able to feel the pain and to focus on that instead of the constant war in my head. 

       I moved school in the hope that if i moved school then it would all go away i wouldn't feel so low and i'd be able to live life normally again. They say that your school years are supposed to be the best of your life, mine were not so. After a few months of the new school and the popular girls eating me up and spitting me back out again things got worse and worse. This was the time i first overdosed. I was at home because i couldn't face school that week, it was an awful place for me, i felt i had no place there, no friends and was intimidated by the people. I just couldn't see a way out, to personify it its like being stuck at the bottom of a really deep well and you just cant see the light at the top, your stuck its dark and cold and incredibly lonely  as much as you try you just cant climb back up to escape and feel like you'l be stuck in the dark place forever. Overdosing was just my way of turning off all those feelings. All it really did is buy me a few days in hospital, drips,sickness, feeling even worse. 

       Soon after the first of many attempts on my life i was plunged into counselling at an NHS mental health facility  Various doctors emotionally prodding and pocking at me, copious amounts of heavy medications to dull down the vicious mood swings. I couldn't tell weather i was coming or going it was like my emotions were a stormy sea, unpredictable and rough, i'd be suddenly enveloped by despair then switch to ecstatic then to anxious. I couldn't hold on to one emotion i was drowning.  Doctors came and went i was told numerous times i was "making it up for attention". That hurt the most i didn't want to hurt my family by being like this. I hated feeling like that, i just didn't understand why the people who were meant to help me could treat me this way. Discrimination was everywhere  i didn't talk about being ill because people just looked at me like i was crazy, and again attention seeking, i was just so desperate for help. 

 Beating my demons    

  I revived a diagnosis of Borderline Personality Disorder, a name i hate because it imply's that my personality is wrong, when in fact it isn't but nevertheless this helped. I had a name for my demon! I could start to tackle it. With lots of love and hard work from me and my family i am now on a road to recovery, though i still struggle i really feel im on my way up. To finally see that little bit of light is just amazing, truly  By talking about my condition and reaching out to a fantastic charity mind.org.uk i'm now learning to notice my emotions and manage my mental health, its still a long hard battle but for the first time in my life i feel ready for the fight. 

     Talking about mental health is SO important i cannot stress enough. I felt so alone and spreading the word about mental health and making it okay to talk about honestly makes a huge difference in the lives of people affected. I had no idea what it was that was wrong with me and now i understand that it is a medical condition that a lot of people have experienced  i wasn't the only one. In fact many celebrity's are being very open about their struggles with mental health problems. Don't let your mental health define you its NOT your fault. If you know someone who is struggling just talk to them that's all they want. Keeping yourself emotionally healthy is essential to an overall health. Confidence in yourself truly shines through and makes you sparkle. So talk about your problems, talk to your friends and family. We all have emotions, some people's emotions cause them problems. Just think of how you would feel in their situation and be kind. Kindness in the darkest times of a life will shine brightly forever. 

Thank-you for reading! 

         

A beautiful world starts with you.

Hello and welcome to my little old blog!

So me and my best friend are quite into debating on politics,society and such forth so i taught it might be a good idea to write a little on here. Tell you all the world as we see it..

Society: So were shall we start? I think ill start with manors a subject i'm a little pedantic about. I'm not old fashioned at all but people instilling manors and respect into their children was an incredibly good idea. In a practical sense it just makes the world that little bit nicer! A smile can really make someone who needs that small gesture to perk them up. simple isn't it? just a smile, or holding the door open for someone as they are coming to the door and you are leaving. Doesn't even take two seconds but that small simple gesture makes the big difference in society. When did we become so focused on our own lives and forget love for our common people? In times of recession and economic down turn this add's stress to lives with people struggling just to survive  So why would we forget something so small and more importantly FREE. If you smile at someone and they smile back it automatically releases endorphin's that make you happy. So that little smile really DOES make you happier.

        We focus so much on the bad in the world that we forget its a really great place, for example after the riots the volunteers sweeping up and cleaning up mess or the yearly t.v charity events that always raise extraordinary funds for those who need it most. People are good and people like to do good.

        Take a moment to think about how you can positively affect the world if you were that bit  kinder? If we all took that second to just think about how we could change ourselves for the positive and be better, kinder people the world would be a lot better place. We need to remember everyone has a story to what made them who they are today and its not always been very nice for them. Its human nature to judge at first sight, that's how we handle the thousands of interactions we have. First impressions are made to be changed other wise they wouldn't be first impressions they'd be permanent impressions wouldn't they? You could see someone and at first judge them to be one way and then talk and peal back those layers to find that you were totally wrong. I find in life that I can put on a front, I mean we all do it, dependent on who we are with we gain new "persona's". If you were to meet someone under the persona pretense and not take to that side of them you could be missing out on a valuable opportunity to meet someone new that if you took a little time to find out more could be an amazing person. People come in and out of our lives for a reason and i believe they always teach us a lesson on life. Good or bad its these things that shape us as people. So missing out on that one person could make a dramatic difference in your life, you never know they could of been the love of your life!! 

   What i'm really saying is we are all guilty at one point or another of being a little self centered in life, the best things really are free, kindness, a smile, love. Just try to focus on the good in the world and what you can do to be the best person you can be. Be the positive in the world and make your internal monologue a positive one! 
Thank-you for reading
Kelly x