Mental health and me.

Mental health and me.

As someone who is a long time sufferer of mental health issues I have a lot to say on the matter, i've experienced it first hand for the last 10 years. The biggest thing i found with being affected by mental health was how alone i felt, as if I was the only person to have ever felt like this. After years of research and struggling to come to terms with my condition I know that this is not the case. One in four of the population will be affected by mental health issues at one point in there lives. That's a quarter but what do we really know about it and why are we so skeptical? 

The early years

At about eleven years old i remember my first experience of a visual disturbance, things at home were strained but not all together too bad. I was sat there in my room just playing the play-station  and the next thing i know i just remember feeling suffocated. It was like someone had just come and thrown a big rock on my chest and i was trapped. I panicked even knowing this cant be real there's nothing on me trapping me, my breathing became labored and fast. I sat looking at the ceiling and could plainly see these rocks falling on me, like a landslide trapping me more and more. I couldn't breath, i was so scared, i could see this landslide fall on me but the rocks were translucent, they were there and heavy, but i could see a little through them. Making the panic only worse, i felt crazy, but it felt so real. I screamed for my mum and she came and told me nothing was wrong. I knew there couldn't logically be a landslide on me in my room but i was sure i saw it and i KNEW i felt it. I just couldn't understand why this would happen or what it was. Is only being older that i can now understand that this was a visual disturbance but the memory is so vivid that i will never forget and i will never forget that feeling of dismay in being the only one to see it. The mind is such a powerful thing and understanding it and the way that we think is vital. 

Teen years

      My first year of secondary school was intimidating as it is for all children but the pressure for me felt immense. Criticism i revived by teachers felt crippling and any mean comments from people cut like a knife. I had experienced bullying before and came through it, you know they say sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me? For me it seems words do break me, i felt so fragile so out of control  I had no power over my life and was struggling just to keep going .That's when i started to self harm. It started as strangling myself with headphones, just to punish myself because i hated myself. Words simply aren't enough to describe the feelings of pure loathing i felt towards myself, i was a waist of space, a disgusting mess. I deserved to feel like this because i was useless. The self harm then escalated to cutting my arms, lots of people say to me they cant imagine doing that to themselves, that it was disgusting but i was disgusting and i needed to punish myself like this just to be able to feel the pain and to focus on that instead of the constant war in my head. 

       I moved school in the hope that if i moved school then it would all go away i wouldn't feel so low and i'd be able to live life normally again. They say that your school years are supposed to be the best of your life, mine were not so. After a few months of the new school and the popular girls eating me up and spitting me back out again things got worse and worse. This was the time i first overdosed. I was at home because i couldn't face school that week, it was an awful place for me, i felt i had no place there, no friends and was intimidated by the people. I just couldn't see a way out, to personify it its like being stuck at the bottom of a really deep well and you just cant see the light at the top, your stuck its dark and cold and incredibly lonely  as much as you try you just cant climb back up to escape and feel like you'l be stuck in the dark place forever. Overdosing was just my way of turning off all those feelings. All it really did is buy me a few days in hospital, drips,sickness, feeling even worse. 

       Soon after the first of many attempts on my life i was plunged into counselling at an NHS mental health facility  Various doctors emotionally prodding and pocking at me, copious amounts of heavy medications to dull down the vicious mood swings. I couldn't tell weather i was coming or going it was like my emotions were a stormy sea, unpredictable and rough, i'd be suddenly enveloped by despair then switch to ecstatic then to anxious. I couldn't hold on to one emotion i was drowning.  Doctors came and went i was told numerous times i was "making it up for attention". That hurt the most i didn't want to hurt my family by being like this. I hated feeling like that, i just didn't understand why the people who were meant to help me could treat me this way. Discrimination was everywhere  i didn't talk about being ill because people just looked at me like i was crazy, and again attention seeking, i was just so desperate for help. 

 Beating my demons    

  I revived a diagnosis of Borderline Personality Disorder, a name i hate because it imply's that my personality is wrong, when in fact it isn't but nevertheless this helped. I had a name for my demon! I could start to tackle it. With lots of love and hard work from me and my family i am now on a road to recovery, though i still struggle i really feel im on my way up. To finally see that little bit of light is just amazing, truly  By talking about my condition and reaching out to a fantastic charity mind.org.uk i'm now learning to notice my emotions and manage my mental health, its still a long hard battle but for the first time in my life i feel ready for the fight. 

     Talking about mental health is SO important i cannot stress enough. I felt so alone and spreading the word about mental health and making it okay to talk about honestly makes a huge difference in the lives of people affected. I had no idea what it was that was wrong with me and now i understand that it is a medical condition that a lot of people have experienced  i wasn't the only one. In fact many celebrity's are being very open about their struggles with mental health problems. Don't let your mental health define you its NOT your fault. If you know someone who is struggling just talk to them that's all they want. Keeping yourself emotionally healthy is essential to an overall health. Confidence in yourself truly shines through and makes you sparkle. So talk about your problems, talk to your friends and family. We all have emotions, some people's emotions cause them problems. Just think of how you would feel in their situation and be kind. Kindness in the darkest times of a life will shine brightly forever. 

Thank-you for reading!